January 24 2014
You wanna roll the dice? Okay maverick, have fun removing an A4 sheet of dead human skin from your chest in a few days. And when your nipples have peeled off, you can say goodbye to wearing drop-pit singlets for the rest of the summer.
Avoid cultivating a thirst-deterring mould thatch by stocking up on ponchos beforehand. This obviously does not apply to jacked dudes, who did not do a zillion handstand pushups to go walking around with their cannon ball shoulders covered in shirts, let alone waterproof plastic bullshit.
Take your shirt off. You've earned your hubris, ripped sir.
A Southern Cross tattoo stencil just in case you see anyone without one; the animal-shaped onesie you bought from some onesie entrepreneur who is really rich now; a disposable camera for lo-res fun.
THE SILENT DISCO
Watching is actually better than participating. The Silent Disco mixes rhythm, human togetherness and surrealism into a performance art installation that's more evocative than Marina Abramovic's entire body of work.
MUNG OUT IN THE BOILER ROOM
Want to mung out? Head to the Boiler Room and embrace your munging brethren; or else, divert your attention to alternative forms of entertainment at The Lilypad: a no-judgement zone rife with nudity and magic. For real, once I saw a shirtless pre-Steampunk magician perform sleight of hand tricks there.
Step 1. DON'T BUY DRUGS from strangers. The most chemically pure methamphetamine is only available in a fictional television show that isn't even on air anymore and definitely NOT from that sexy couple in the Port-a-loo line who look like they know what's up (PS they're cops). Step 2. GET ACQUAINTED WITH THE MOSHPIT T-BARRIER. Remember, you filter in from the sides, NOT from the back. Nothing - and I mean nothing - is worse than a festival goer who does not respect and mentally prepare for potential crush points in the mosh. Related question: Do people still use 'mosh' as a noun?
And I'm not talking about hydration, right guys! Music festivals are a veritable sex cauldron (or at the very least a mutual-handjob cauldron) for those socially able punters who play their cards right. You can refer to Pedestrian's Guide To Hooking Up At Festivals for tips on ways to maximise your chances for love.
Now I am talking about hydration. Dehydration is a nauseating, disorienting and potentially day-ending experience and one you should avoid. Water's your friend.
Booze? Sure, why not. But don't forget the rhyme: Beer's so heavy (too much hops), how 'bout trying alcopops? Only kidding. Because alcopops are WAY overpriced at festivals. I love a pre-mixed gin cocktail as much as the next guy, but not if the tariff's in double figures. If you're partaking in drink at a festival, the general rule should be avoid being labeled "sloppy".
Carry a violin = you are Arcade Fire.
To get into the zone.